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Saturday, August 22, 2009

Hurricanes vs. Seminoles




Hurricanes vs. Seminoles

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a SEMINOLE fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are FSU fans too. Not really knowing what a SEMINOLE fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little boy named Charlie has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a SEMINOLE fan" he retorts. "Then," asks the teacher,"what are you?" "I'm a proud MIAMI HURRICANES fan!" boasts the little boy. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Charlie why he is a HURRICANE fan. "Well, my Dad and Mom are HURRICANE fans, so I'm a HURRICANE fan too" he responds. The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was an asshole, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" Charlie smiles and says, "Then I'd be a SEMINOLE fan."

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

NO PETS CLAUSE from emailsfromCrazyPeople.com


"NO PETS CLAUSE" from EmailsfromCrazyPeople.com



[Here is...] the latest in circular crazy logic. The goal here is to convince the antagonist, in this case the landlord, that you are so crazy as to not be worth their time. And it all began with this seemingly benign letter…




…which then led to this hilarious email exchange:

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.


From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

Via: 27bslash6.com

CrAzY GiRlS


CRAZY GIRLS...


Crazy girls…. I am the first to admit that I am crazy. That’s right. I am one crazy girl. But even I have limits to my craziness. Or, at least, I know when to stop myself before I hurdle the boundary between “crazy bitch” land and “ok, psycho needs to up her meds or go back to the padded room” world. Lately, I keep coming across more and more girls who fall in the latter category.





Normally, I could care less how far off your rocker you are but when your insanity starts to seriously cramp my lifestyle, it gets difficult to ignore. So now I’m wondering, “if I’m crazy, and I cant believe how crazy these bitches are, where did they come from and how did they get soooooo far out there???”… I guess this is easier explained by examples. Ok…


1.) Creepy stalker chicks: they stalk you on Facebook, MySpace, blogs, your friends’ pages, etc and talk about you as either their friend based on info they gather or they use it to report back to an enemy or ex or other stalker to build some f’ed up friendship/relationship. IT’S GETTING REALLY ANNOYING!!!! But, do they stop there??? Oh noooo…. Once you have to go through your entire friend list and weed out all of the possible stalkers, the random friend requests begin popping up. Seriously…. Do you really think that I am going to accept someone as a friend that has no picture, no friends and no profile info??? Try again stalkers!!!! So then you get the idiots that will just request you. Ummmm…. Helllooo????? We have one “friend” in common and I used to date him… Why exactly do you want to be my friends now?? Let me save you the time: Yes, I broke up with him. Yes, if I wanted him back, I’d take him. No, memorizing my profile will never make him care about you the way he did about me. Why? Because you’re pathetic enough to be stalking me on Facebook!!! And you clearly have NO friends… Every girls knows, by now, that you have your friends request the ex’s new chick (if you care…)… I know. I get stuck doing it. Whatever. If you REALLY want to know, ask me. I’ll gladly tell you. Just stop wasting my time!!!


2.) The Ex’s new girls: I have no idea why but the girls my ex’s date after me all HATE me. You would think it is something that I did but this is not hate that builds as they get to know me. They hate me before I even know who they are. If they haven’t seen a picture of me, I might get a few seconds of polite conversation in until it dawns on “the new chick” who I am and she starts to breathe fire. Usually, however, they have already found a picture and have installed some tracking device in my blackberry or some shit. Why do they hate me? I don’t know and I couldn’t care less. If I’m still friends with the ex they’re dating, then he’s probably an idiot for telling them whatever it is that has made them so insecure. Whatever the case is, let me put this out there: I am never second. If I want to be with your man, he wont be your man when I do it. I don’t care what you think of me. I would just advise you to think less about me and more about yourself because you look like a psycho and that’s never cute.


3.) My friends’ girlfriends: I have a lot of guy friends. That’s it. They are just friends. When most of them start dating someone new, I am excited for them and dying to meet the new girl. Same deal with my gfs when they start dating new guys… Chances are that, if I’ve known your new bf since 7th grade and have never been interested in him, that’s not changing now. And, again, I wont be second. If I want him, you’ll know. In the mean time, the insane jealousy and obsession is not cute. A little self-esteem goes a long way. 4.) Girls who are just pulling crazy shit like it’s their job… its not ok to call me and hang up a million times. Sitting in the corner of the club with your two pathetic friends and whispering about my girls and me while we are having fun only makes you look even more pathetic. Trying to talk to me about your new man in a “lets compare notes” way is totally creepy and not cool AT ALL. Checking his phone to see when he calls or texts me and then asking me why or what we talked about is also SOOOO NOT OK… And bbm-ing me from his phone at 5am, pretending to be him is seriously pitiful. (Yes, all of the above have happened in the last 3 weeks). I could go on but I’ve wasted enough time… If you’re that insecure about your relationship, that’s a problem you need to deal with with your man. Either way, I want no part in your crazy world. PLEASE leave me alone and find something else to talk about. In other words…. FIND YOUR PRIDE!!!

My Favorite Blogs <3

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

20 THINGS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD DO BEFORE GETING MARRIED

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE BLOGS FROM http://www.thefrisky.com




With 11 days left until my wedding, the final countdown is in effect. Among the dozens of little things left on my to-do list, I’ve been thinking a lot about the things crossed off my to-do list long before I met my husband to-be — things that have made me a well-rounded, experienced woman ready for a lifetime commitment to another person. After the jump, 20 things every woman should cross off her list before getting married.

  • Live by herself for at least a year.

  • Live with someone else for at least a year.

  • Recover from a broken heart.

  • Have a vacation fling.

  • Take a road-trip with a group of girlfriends.

  • Relish sleeping in a queen-sized bed by herself.

  • Get her finances in order.

  • Learn to love her body.

  • Have sex with at least one person she’d never want to marry (or introduce to mom).

  • Find reliable birth control.

  • Pay off as much credit card debt and student loans as possible.

  • Spend way too much on a something frivolous.

  • Exorcise all past relationship demons.

  • Travel somewhere exotic.

  • Establish a strong circle of friends.

  • Forgive her parents for not being perfect.

  • Have at least one night she can’t quite remember.

  • Experience some really bad first dates.

  • Find hobbies that fulfill her.

  • Celebrate her 25th birthday.

BEST (WORST) DIVORCE LETTER




The title on this one says it all... I'm no stranger to nasty divorces. HOWEVER, this letter put my experiences into SOME sort of persective... I'm just still not sure WHAT that is or what to make of any of it!!! All I can say is I CERTAINLY am happy I'm not in THIS woman's shoes...




[via BuzzFeed]

WEDDING ENTRANCE to 'Forever"

And now, for what is POSSIBLY my favorite video to date, HERE is the BEST wedding entrance EVER!!!


ULTIMATE REVENGE: The Dissolving Bikini


A German company has invented a marvelous new bikini that disappears once a girl puts it on and takes a swim.

The sexy swimsuit disappears by dissolving in water, leaving a woman completely nude and embarrassed. The sexy black swimsuit looks like a real bikini, feels like a real bikini and fits like a real bikini. The only difference is it’s made from a material that completely melts away after a few seconds in water.

Named the "Get Naked Bikini," the item is being marketed as the ultimate form of revenge for recently-dumped dudes. The bikini has upset women's rights groups, with one campaigner, Rosmarie Zapfl, saying, “It is an absolute insult to women that this has been invented.”

It sounds like Ms. Zapfl needs a gift to calm her down. May we suggest a new bikini?

Like bikinis? Then check out Spike's Bikini Poll of the Week.

Source: Racheshop.de

via http://www.spike.com/blog/how-to-make-girls/84496


THE DISSOLVING BIKINI



So, last week, everyone was wondering (or doubting, rather) that this devious revenge tool actually worked. It seemed much more likely that, while it sounded like a great idea in theory, the logistics of CREATING such a PERFECT WEAPON seemed a bit far-fetched... Now, HERE is the proof...