Lemondrop's Facebook-to-English Roommate Translator

Lemondrop's Facebook-to-English Roommate Translator

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Sharing a tiny dorm room with a complete stranger can be scary. But thanks to Facebook, you can learn all you need to know about your future roommate before you even show up.

But don't rely on the profile to tell the whole truth. Here's a guide to deciphering your new roommate. (You may want to contact student housing for a room switch now.

What her status updates say about her:

Status Update: Julia is.
Translation: "I want to come off as existential and deep, but really I have nothing to say."

Status Update: Julia IS HAVING THE WORST DAY EVER!! OMG
Translation: "I am an attention whore. Please ask me what's wrong. Prepare for a semester of high drama."

Click here to read more.

Status Update: Julia had the craziest night ever, even though I don't remember much of it!! Love my friends!!!
Translation: I'm a blackout drunk. I'm going to tell you everything about me, even the stuff you don't want to know, and probably throw up in our room at least once (and not in the toilet). You won't really like me, but I'll thank you for taking care of me, because did I tell you you're my FAAAAAVORITE!"

Status Update: Julia is up and watching Saturday morning kid shows!!!
Translation: "I'm bringing a crap ton of stuffed animals."

Status Update: Julia LOVES my pookie and can't imagine being at college without him!! :(
Translation: "I am extremely clingy and will not go out without my boy, so while you're off having fun I'm going to sit in my room, pout and wait for him to call. I'm also going to talk about my boyfriend incessantly. When he comes to visit, we'll be having nonstop sex -- with or without you in the room."

Status Update: Julia is a gangsta/rockstar/ninja/etc.
Translation: "I am not any of these things. I am an average person."


What her "activities/interests" really mean:

Chillaxing
Translation: "I smoke a LOT of weed."

Partyin
Translation: "Drink, drank, drunk."

"Twilight"
Translation: "Nerd alert."

Asking the big questions, Kant, Nietzsche
Translation: "I am going to judge your every decision and will bombard you with questions on how you live your life, journaling about it, and using you as an example in my philosophy assignments. In the end, I will probably have sex with my philosophy T.A."

Gettin crunk! Get hyphy!
Translation: "I strive to identify myself with urban culture, but really I grew up in the suburbs and have yet to come to terms with my middle-class existence. I will be taking at least one African studies elective."

GoInG oUT w/ MaH GuRLZ
Translation: "I'm pretty much a skank and like all my girlfriends to be hot, but not hotter than me, of course! Expect either to spend a lot of nights alone in the room (bonus!) or locked out, depending on the location of our dorm and my partner for the night."

Writing poetry (I'm published)
Translation: "I am a deep soul, but really I just like to feel superior to everyone else. I am published on poetry.com, where the only hits I've gotten are from myself as I marvel at my brilliance. Expect a lot of glares. And eyeliner."

Relaxing at home
Translation: "I am awkward."

INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, AS WITH MOST THINGS IN LIFE, I FOUND SOMEONE ON DIGG WHO TOOK THE TIME TO PROVIDE ALTERNATE TRANSLATIONS FOR THE SAME FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

Status Update: Julia is.
Translation: Retarded.

Status Update: Julia IS HAVING THE WORST DAY EVER!! OMG
Translation: I need some secks. Srsly.

Status Update: Julia had the craziest night ever, even though I don't remember much of it!! Love my friends!!!
Translation: Was I raped?

Status Update: Julia is up and watching Saturday morning kid shows!!!
Translation: "I'm bringing a crap ton of stuffed animals, [which are all Pedobears]"

Status Update: Julia LOVES my pookie and can't imagine being at college without him!! :(
Translation: I'm pregnant :(

Status Update: Julia is a gangsta/rockstar/ninja/etc.
Translation: I like black guys/emos/ninjas/etc.

What her "activities/interests" really mean:

Chillaxing
Translation: "I'm sticky and I'm lying on someone else's kitchen countertop."

Partyin
Translation: "I'm making out with an oak tree."

"Twilight"
Translation: "Failed cutter."

Asking the big questions, Kant, Nietzsche
Translation: I need titles for my dA yaoi works.

Gettin crunk! Get hyphy!
Translation: GTFO MY MOON KINGDOM!

GoInG oUT w/ MaH GuRLZ
Translation: Going to lesbian bar for a sanity check.

Writing poetry (I'm published)
Translation: Illiterate scenewhore

Relaxing at home
Translation: Basement dweller